Eat Pray Love
Our life is like vapor, gone before we realized we lived.
I've reached an age where my memories feel like another lifetime. I receive flashbacks of a child whose whole life is lived in the span of a few blocks. Whose neighborhood is the whole world as far as she knows it. The people and their shared experiences is all this child knows.
Glimpses of roadtrips to Mexico and the abruptness of crossing the border. It feels like another planet once we cross. Embraced by the town my father grew up in. Feeling safe to wander and explore, unlike home. Strangers are safe due to everyone I encounter knowing whose granddaughter I was, as if I was a part of them. Getting to play at night in the middle of the block with new friends who treat me as if I've been there the entirety of my life, while all the adults sit outside their home chatting under the streetlights.
Memories dance through my mind of breaking the barrier by attending college without the burden of paying for it. Standing in the biggest library I'd known to date knowing no one there. Feeling alone and amazed. Recognizing the determination it took to stand in that place and the struggle of belonging. Very few faces like mine.
Remembering all my first. The first time I ate at a restaurant, not knowing about waiters or paper menus. The first time I flew never having been to an airport. The first time I travelled without my family and missing them so much I ached. The first time I traveled alone and landed in a country I didn't know the language. The first time I took my family on vacation to relax. The first time I walked through my home alone after receiving the keys realizing it's mine. My first and last time I rode a horse, thank you very much. So many firsts I've gotten to experience in these decades.
I used to have this dream of a house to call my own. With a small garden tended with love. A life that got to serve others and explore the world. I dreamed of peace and calm. That was the dream I had for my life, which I put my energy and determination into creating. I got to live it. I got to live my dream. I was happy and knew I had made it. I recognized I was blessed beyond measure. Because what I didn't envision was the friendships that filled my life with laughter and experiences I couldn't fathom. What I didn't know is that I would get to be with God and be filled with joy. What I didn't know is that I would be part of a community at church. A church that welcomed and enfolded me in it's embrace. That gave me friendships, weddings, travel, tight hugs, someone to cry with, learning how to have deeper conversations, a group I could reach out to during my dark times. Times I would want to isolate, but God surrounded me with love. It came through phone calls, text messages, drop ins, and invites to get together. What I didn't know is that relationships make life sweeter and harder all at once.
It took isolation to realize yes my life became peaceful, but life wasn't as bright. Yes my life became calmer, but it was also boring. That relationships have a cost, but have the possibility to be incredibly rewarding. I get why in the bible says life is better alone, because honestly it is. And yet it isn't. There is something to be said for sharing life, experiences, thoughts. Savoring the memories together. But I've learned it takes a certain combination of personalities to make it worth it, otherwise it absolutely is better to be alone. Mejor sola, que mala acompañada.
Eat
I have taken bites out of this life and loved it. I jumped. I didn't realize till now I've been jumping all along. I have dreamed of standing on the edge of a cliff and just jumping off trusting it will be worth it. I've wondered if I'm still standing on that edge waiting. Still waiting. All along I've been taking leaps of faith. I leaped when I demanded help to enter college and received a full ride. I jumped when I took my first job, ok more like dragged over the edge, only to end up with a friendship I still have. The friend that unknowingly made me realize friendships have worth. I jumped when I quit and ended up traveling alone for the first time. It was that trip that taught me life is sweeter shared. I jumped when I went with that friend to a church in a warehouse, which was a different religion than the one I was raised in. Only to come away with a community that lead to friendships that have been popping in and out of my life since. I jumped when this church offered a trip to evangelize in a third world country in the midst of a brewing revolt. I came out sharing trauma past with someone on that trip that I ended up helping later and realizing God loves me and is trying to get me to receive it. I jumped when I bought my house sinking all my funds I had accumulated at that point in my life. I received a place I call home. A place that has hosted bible studies, holiday celebrations, family gatherings, and provided safety. I jumped when I went back to work and received a professional community that embraced me and stretched me to grow professionally. I jumped when I started taking my family on trips after trips for almost two decades. It has provided memories we now cherish together. I often hear "remember when we...." I jumped when I joined a new church based off one of it's small groups. I joined after attending one service. I became part of a group of women who were also not married and childless. We celebrated holidays together. They supported me when I needed it, even though I didn't know how to receive it. God is still working on me. This also gave me my first work through trauma in a safe group setting. I jumped when I quit my job only to end up on a trip of a lifetime with my family before it changed. I jumped when I started working and I was welcomed back with open arms. It was needed. I needed to realize that I do have an impact. And I am at the precipice again. Do I stay or do I go?
Pray
I have lived three periods of my life really close to God. I count myself fortunate for those spans of time allowing myself to be led by God in my every day. It has been some of the sweetest moments of my life. A pureness so good words don't come close to capturing the experience. A sense of love so deep it's hard to accept. A love so overwhelming it hurts. To be loved like that hurts, because it takes meshing how your actions hurt the being that loves you regardless of the pain you inflict with choices made. It takes understanding that the God that loves and has reached out to demonstrate that love over and over. With that there is still resistance inside me to accept such love. I just don't understand how or why this being can love me so. The one who has pushed away, raged against, gone silent, declared it's nonexistence, and put wall after wall up. And yet with confidence I call upon God the lover of his creation to tango once more. To guide me once more as I consider leaping once again trusting God will leap with me and have me land where he guides.
I pray I continue leaping with faith. It has brought me so far. Farther than I realize. I can feel I have much more to go. I pray the realizations that are happening remain in me. From how quickly life goes, to how our perceptive determines our truth, which is not the same as fact now a days. That helped me understand how people can insist that what they know or see is truth, but not actually fact. That perception colors our views of people, events, and life. My most recent one being realizing I seek comfort in emotion. One of them being depression and rejection. That was not a comfortable one to learn. In fact shocking would be about right. It helped me understand why I gravitate towards certain relationships and shrink from others. Or why I like reading certain story lines. Realizing the importance of owning who I am
To our next tango God I pray it's a sweet one as the ones before. Trusting you to catch me and correct me.
Love
I realize that love is to forgive. To love is to put the ones you love above your needs and wants. To love thyself is to know thyself and understand that sometimes my needs to come first and others problems are not mine to solve. For we each have something to learn through our struggles. To love is to care to point their pain becomes ours, as well as their joy. I learned loving is different from being loved. Being loved means being receptive, being open to receiving. Loving is giving of oneself and also being open and vulnerable. I am more comfortable loving than being loved. Admittedly both are downright uncomfortable. To grow I realize that I need God's inspection and my being utterly, openly and brutally honest to reveal why that is.
