Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Where did I go?

I used to be a girl with goals and ambition.  I had hunger for accomplishment and didn't let things trip me up. Big things could get me down, but I'd come back up fighting.  I wasn't afraid, I was sure of what I wanted and everyone else could go jump themselves.  That was my attitutued if you didn't like me feel free to screw yourself, cuz I don't give a damn.  I was full of anger at the world in general.  I thought people can't do anything right or good, just look at history hell just look at the news happening here and now.  I'd be intrested to see what people picture of this person I've forgotten about until recently.

Now fear rules me.  I won't try new things because I might get hurt.  I won't go to some places because something might happen.  Hell I haven't gotten a haircut because I might look worse than I do now. Do you get where this is going?  I've forgetten about goals or ambition and therefore I haven't done anything major in my life in the last few years.  Life is simple at the moment work, spend money on who knows what I have none and nothing to show for it, clean, eat, and when possible spend time with friends and family.  It's been this routine for the better part of the last couple of years.  It will continue to be the same routine if I stay the way I am.  The reason being that I fear something might happen if I change this routine.  What could happen if I change things up?

If I try to be financially independent, I might find out that I'm not acutally able to do so like I thought I could. 
If I try to be independent I might find out that I don't know much and start crying because life is about to hit me a curve ball.
If I try to be independent I might find out that I am lonely and change my mind about needing my own family.

I think all that instead of being positive and thinking I'll have my own place that I can do anything I want with,  I can be independent.  So I might not know everything, but I can handle it.  That family I don't have you know what I don't need it, but I still want it sometime down the line.  So for the moment this is who've I've become someone who fears what might happen. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My first year

My first year on the job was an experience I wouldn't repeat.  I just wouldn't.  It was a good thing I truly didn't understand what I was getting myself into, otherwise I probably wouldn't have started down this path I'm now on. 

I was way over my head in every aspect and yet I came through the other side.  I was starting a program from scratch with the little knowledge of it coming from a chapter I read in college and a small paragraph I got from my boss of a brief outline of what the program would look like.  I had little to no guidance through out the year.  It surprised me that any progress was made.  I stayed hours after everyone went home to just avoid complete drowning, I was in no way getting ahead.  It was this year that I learned that if I ever hoped to get ahead or at least on the ball I needed to become organized which when I started the year was not a skill I had.  I also learned that I had to learn from my mistakes if I had any hope from improving and there were many, so I learned a lot.  I didn't and still don't know if other jobs were like this.  This was my first serious job and when I agreed  I knew the first year would be hard so I promised myself to give it three years before I made the decision of continuing on or moving on.  Wouldn't you know after my third year I didn't return.

What I do is intense, it's never boring.  No two days are the same.  It's always changing, just as you getting the hang of something it's replaced with something new and better (supposedly).  You get critiqued constantly.  What I do is never good enough, because if I've met a goal the bar is raised.  I'm on a time crunch.  You have things thrown at you, I'm talking actual things.  There are 20 things at least going on at once and that's on a easy day.  You handel various emotions all at once, all day long.  You must be flexible, because the day changes and you've got to roll with it.  You have to be consistent, comforting, strict, confident, demanding, sociable, etc.  I'm all those things or can fake fairly well, but at the end of the day I'm exhausted. 

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's been a while

It's been awhile since I last thought to wrtie anything.  Lie -- I've ment to write but just haven't gotten around to it for one reason or another, mainly life.  I'm in full spring fever mode, have no 'ganas' to work right now. I'm just showing up to show up at the moment, I'm no good.  Which is why I am taking some time off for a bit to hopefully regain the enthusiasm I had less than 9 months ago.  Now to some things I've learned the hard way.





Revelations I've learned these past months:
Routine kills motivation and intrest.
While honey might work sometimes vinegar is necessary.
Life is about making mistakes and learning from them and death is about wishing you'd made more.
Treasure your loved ones
Be grateful for your health
Laughing with friends and family is a great way to relax and destress
Never say never or forever
It's better to ask for forgivness than ask for permission
Start how you mean to keep going
Mean what you say
Life is too short to waste time doing something you hate
Doesn't matter how healthy you eat or how much you work out, illnesses will still get ya'

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Choices

A woman chooses to be beaten.  I was told this by my father when I was a teenager and we had many discussion over this topic.  At the time I didin't know what had brought this up but years later I found out someone we loved had an abusive boyfriend.  The adults in my family had tried to save this young woman by taking her out of the situation, but she went back to him a year later.  Which is why he had decided a woman chooses to be beaten.  I was very firm in my standing that it's all a man's fault.  He is doing a dispicable thing and brainwashing the woman into staying by his side, to which my father conseeded it's a possiblity.  Or the woman was in a though situation of either stay and be beaten or end up on the streets of which she probably chose what she thought was the lesser of two evils. 
Now I'm in the position of knowing someone I love is in a abusive situation.  While she is currently seperated from her boyfriend, they have an off again on again realtionship.  I've just recently found out though that he abuses her.  I knew and she knows that the realtionship wasn't a good one, but I didn't know that he hit her.  I just thought they cheated on each other of which I saw as horrible and I asked why the hell are you they together if this keeps going on, but they stated they love each other.  Which I left alone seeing that they were messed up, but whatever they knew what they were doing.  I felt bad for their daughter who would see her father move in and out, but I thought him a good father because he made sure to spend every other weekend with her when they weren't together. 
Now I understand why my father says a woman chooses to be beaten.  This person I love and now weep for has taken back her boyfriend time and time again.  Even though she knows he's an asshole, hell she herself will tell you what a bastard he is, she takes him back.  She tells me its' because I've never loved, but to me that isn't love.  Love doesn't permit you to deemen yourself.  Infact as I see it a man should treasure the woman he loves as should a woman treasure the man in her life.  But the women in my life keep showing me that my thinking is off. 

Sunday, January 3, 2010

2010 uh, now what?

I'm such a snail when I don't have a plan.  I could easily spend days, weeks, even months spending time accomplishing nothing really.  Hell I've done it.  Now my mind is moving on to the impressions one leaves in life, I can't exactly think of what made me ponder this but I am.

I feel that we all leave an impression whether we are aware of it or not.  It might be nothing grand, but it's there affecting life/lives.  You know the whole domino effect or ripples in a pond kind of thing.  I sometimes feel insignificant that I could die and really what does it matter, what am I doing here?  Is all I'm made for to produce life? and if I don't then what the hell did I live for.  Then I remember a conversation I had with a person years ago, who I barely knew mind you.  They asked me the common questions of what do you do for fun? what do you enjoy? what do you do with your free time? kind of questions and my answers were travel when I can, don't know, and read.  That one conversation left me with an immense impression of my life. While to the other person it was probably nothing a quick conversation to just pass the time and something that didn't even register in their memory bank.  It's not like I didn't realize what my life was like and had been wanting to change, but something about that conversation propelled me to take action and slowly change my life.

So remember that the smallest actions mean something whether your aware of it or not. 

Accomplished


I didn't make a New Year's Resolution for 2009 and you know what I didn't need it. I would say my life is very blessed, as I look at photographs from time passed there are so many good times had. In this year that was flown by I've had many first. I went traveling with a friend for the first time. I made a conscious decision to meet new people, even though I hate doing that. I went skiing, horseback riding, white water rafted, tried a new way of showing faith, went to parties where I knew almost no one, I faced many fears, all of that for the very first time. Not all of it was pleasent, but I'm happy that I tried it out.



While I've gone back to an old routine in some aspects I've gone back with a different perspective and that changed it all. I'm amazed at how much changed when I decided to be happy. Much of my anger and resentment went away and hasn't been back in a while. I'm busy a lot because I'm spending time with people I enjoy. Nothing else changed except that one little decision and that affected every aspect of my life. I'm not richer, but I appreciate what I earn (not that I would sneeze at a better offer). I don't have more firends, but somehow I became more comfortable being around people I don't know. It's still akward sometimes, but it's a vast improvment from always. My work load hasn't lessend, but I'm glad to have it even if sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. I tell myself that the more I have to do the less likely I am to be without of a job. I was amazed when someone I know and respect told me she wished she had my life. I laughed because I wish I had hers. While somethings have changed I don't think that ever will: The grass will continue to be greener on the other side.