Choices

A woman chooses to be beaten.  I was told this by my father when I was a teenager and we had many discussion over this topic.  At the time I didin't know what had brought this up but years later I found out someone we loved had an abusive boyfriend.  The adults in my family had tried to save this young woman by taking her out of the situation, but she went back to him a year later.  Which is why he had decided a woman chooses to be beaten.  I was very firm in my standing that it's all a man's fault.  He is doing a dispicable thing and brainwashing the woman into staying by his side, to which my father conseeded it's a possiblity.  Or the woman was in a though situation of either stay and be beaten or end up on the streets of which she probably chose what she thought was the lesser of two evils. 
Now I'm in the position of knowing someone I love is in a abusive situation.  While she is currently seperated from her boyfriend, they have an off again on again realtionship.  I've just recently found out though that he abuses her.  I knew and she knows that the realtionship wasn't a good one, but I didn't know that he hit her.  I just thought they cheated on each other of which I saw as horrible and I asked why the hell are you they together if this keeps going on, but they stated they love each other.  Which I left alone seeing that they were messed up, but whatever they knew what they were doing.  I felt bad for their daughter who would see her father move in and out, but I thought him a good father because he made sure to spend every other weekend with her when they weren't together. 
Now I understand why my father says a woman chooses to be beaten.  This person I love and now weep for has taken back her boyfriend time and time again.  Even though she knows he's an asshole, hell she herself will tell you what a bastard he is, she takes him back.  She tells me its' because I've never loved, but to me that isn't love.  Love doesn't permit you to deemen yourself.  Infact as I see it a man should treasure the woman he loves as should a woman treasure the man in her life.  But the women in my life keep showing me that my thinking is off. 

2010 uh, now what?

I'm such a snail when I don't have a plan.  I could easily spend days, weeks, even months spending time accomplishing nothing really.  Hell I've done it.  Now my mind is moving on to the impressions one leaves in life, I can't exactly think of what made me ponder this but I am.

I feel that we all leave an impression whether we are aware of it or not.  It might be nothing grand, but it's there affecting life/lives.  You know the whole domino effect or ripples in a pond kind of thing.  I sometimes feel insignificant that I could die and really what does it matter, what am I doing here?  Is all I'm made for to produce life? and if I don't then what the hell did I live for.  Then I remember a conversation I had with a person years ago, who I barely knew mind you.  They asked me the common questions of what do you do for fun? what do you enjoy? what do you do with your free time? kind of questions and my answers were travel when I can, don't know, and read.  That one conversation left me with an immense impression of my life. While to the other person it was probably nothing a quick conversation to just pass the time and something that didn't even register in their memory bank.  It's not like I didn't realize what my life was like and had been wanting to change, but something about that conversation propelled me to take action and slowly change my life.

So remember that the smallest actions mean something whether your aware of it or not. 

Accomplished

I didn't make a New Year's Resolution for 2009 and you know what I didn't need it. I would say my life is very blessed, as I look at photographs from time passed there are so many good times had. In this year that was flown by I've had many first. I went traveling with a friend for the first time. I made a conscious decision to meet new people, even though I hate doing that. I went skiing, horseback riding, white water rafted, tried a new way of showing faith, went to parties where I knew almost no one, I faced many fears, all of that for the very first time. Not all of it was pleasent, but I'm happy that I tried it out.



While I've gone back to an old routine in some aspects I've gone back with a different perspective and that changed it all. I'm amazed at how much changed when I decided to be happy. Much of my anger and resentment went away and hasn't been back in a while. I'm busy a lot because I'm spending time with people I enjoy. Nothing else changed except that one little decision and that affected every aspect of my life. I'm not richer, but I appreciate what I earn (not that I would sneeze at a better offer). I don't have more firends, but somehow I became more comfortable being around people I don't know. It's still akward sometimes, but it's a vast improvment from always. My work load hasn't lessend, but I'm glad to have it even if sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. I tell myself that the more I have to do the less likely I am to be without of a job. I was amazed when someone I know and respect told me she wished she had my life. I laughed because I wish I had hers. While somethings have changed I don't think that ever will: The grass will continue to be greener on the other side.