What a life to live....

 I'm reminded lately of if not now when? 

    The years go by in a blur as the days drag on one by one. Before we know it we are older and time has been wasted. Our bodies becoming lumpy and opportunities for new beginnings appear non existent.

If not now, when?

    What am I waiting for? To start a new career requires leaving my old one, requires becoming the one who learns to improve, becomes the one who makes mistakes because I don't know what I am doing. After 12 years in my career where I have become knowledgeable, considered an expert to the extent anyone is after so much time in the same position, it's a harsh transition to become the employee who doesn't know what is going on or what to do. 

    To engage in a relationship requires interacting with people who may not like me to find one who does. It requires uncomfortable moments with a variety people to realize the ones I'm comfortable with and what a blessing it is to have that. It requires exposure to many in the hopes of encountering the very few who I am at peace with, content in, relaxed and welcomed in their presence. It means opening myself up, even the icky insides I wish weren't a part of me, and sharing in the hopes of finding one who will do the same. To be known and wanted the extent possible in our human hearts and beings is what I deeply desire.  Keeping my walls up to be safe is not helping.

Being safe has been comfortable. It has been nice. But I've missed the adventure, I've missed opportunities and missed out on people. Being safe has brought out a nice life. A nice home, a few friendships, a career that provides purpose and a sustainable living situation, a nice faith to orient me, yet I feel like I'm missing something. Have you ever felt that? Like you missed it, not knowing what 'it' is, just knowing you missed. Life is going good, but that silent phantom void that has me wondering what I am missing out on like it was supposed to be more than this, yet what I have is what I desired when I was younger. A peaceful life, how many desire the same, yet I get to live it. I have this niggling thought in the back of my mind that my dream is so much smaller than what I was intended to live. Where to go when I am exactly where I always wanted to be?

I've lived the life of service, of travel, of family, of friendships, of deep pain, of restoring (required facing the pain), of lost in the anger/rage. of isolation, of going towards what I desired, of secrets, of watching loved ones destroy themselves, of wondering if the next day is worth it. 

I am not done living that I know, but somehow deep inside there is knowledge of more. It's time to document how I got to be me to find my way to my next steps.

Revelation

 rev·e·la·tion

/ˌrevəˈlāSH(ə)n/

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noun

1. 1.

   a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.
2. 2.

   the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to human existence or the world.

2020 has been a year of revelation

     It has dropped the mask of who we pretended to be and revealed a side previously unknown. It has made the cracks in our society gaping holes. While also revealing to our own selves where our strength and peace lie.  Friends have become acquaintances due to revelation. Relationships have been tested and strained. We have been challenged due to the shut downs unable to see each other.  Once the shut downs had passed social distancing remained unable to touch/hug without worry in the back of our minds.  Mask have remained unable to see each others faces or smiles. This along with passionately differing opinions of solutions to return to normal daily lives has lead to a strain in relationships that would have been considered close before the pandemic. 

    The curtain was pulled back on our nation. Showing it's dark side for all to see, while some close their eyes to be willingly blind.  Showing how racism is ingrained in the very systems we trust to protect us and guide our lives.  It woke us up to how utterly twisted everything is from conception to the grave.  It's depressing to see the truth so plainly, but the worst part is knowing who refuse to see the truth in front of them.  

    It also showed that what I considered a strong faith turns out it buckles under the weight of uncertainty.   Will we ever get back to normal? Will we always wear mask and shrink away from human touch? Will I ever get to travel again? Will countries take Americans back as tourist as before without restrictions? Life has changed so much and it seems like there is no end in sight to this. The veil has dropped and revealed that I have not been putting my faith and certainty on God. What I had was good circumstances and thanking God for it and the life I had. Now that times are challenging I've stopped seeking and instead I've been relying on my circumstances to guide me. Needless to say I've been crumbling under the pressure wondering what happened.  How can I be so certain of life only to have it disintegrate? It's been a harsh revelation, but now that I know it's time to make choices of how I view my country, what I'm going to do as a citizen of this country, who to keep in my life or cut out, and where my certainty lies and how strong my faith is going forward.