It's been a while

It's been awhile since I last thought to wrtie anything.  Lie -- I've ment to write but just haven't gotten around to it for one reason or another, mainly life.  I'm in full spring fever mode, have no 'ganas' to work right now. I'm just showing up to show up at the moment, I'm no good.  Which is why I am taking some time off for a bit to hopefully regain the enthusiasm I had less than 9 months ago.  Now to some things I've learned the hard way.

Revelations I've learned these past months:
Routine kills motivation and intrest.
While honey might work sometimes vinegar is necessary.
Life is about making mistakes and learning from them and death is about wishing you'd made more.
Treasure your loved ones
Be grateful for your health
Laughing with friends and family is a great way to relax and destress
Never say never or forever
It's better to ask for forgivness than ask for permission
Start how you mean to keep going
Mean what you say
Life is too short to waste time doing something you hate
Doesn't matter how healthy you eat or how much you work out, illnesses will still get ya'

Choices

A woman chooses to be beaten.  I was told this by my father when I was a teenager and we had many discussion over this topic.  At the time I didin't know what had brought this up but years later I found out someone we loved had an abusive boyfriend.  The adults in my family had tried to save this young woman by taking her out of the situation, but she went back to him a year later.  Which is why he had decided a woman chooses to be beaten.  I was very firm in my standing that it's all a man's fault.  He is doing a dispicable thing and brainwashing the woman into staying by his side, to which my father conseeded it's a possiblity.  Or the woman was in a though situation of either stay and be beaten or end up on the streets of which she probably chose what she thought was the lesser of two evils. 
Now I'm in the position of knowing someone I love is in a abusive situation.  While she is currently seperated from her boyfriend, they have an off again on again realtionship.  I've just recently found out though that he abuses her.  I knew and she knows that the realtionship wasn't a good one, but I didn't know that he hit her.  I just thought they cheated on each other of which I saw as horrible and I asked why the hell are you they together if this keeps going on, but they stated they love each other.  Which I left alone seeing that they were messed up, but whatever they knew what they were doing.  I felt bad for their daughter who would see her father move in and out, but I thought him a good father because he made sure to spend every other weekend with her when they weren't together. 
Now I understand why my father says a woman chooses to be beaten.  This person I love and now weep for has taken back her boyfriend time and time again.  Even though she knows he's an asshole, hell she herself will tell you what a bastard he is, she takes him back.  She tells me its' because I've never loved, but to me that isn't love.  Love doesn't permit you to deemen yourself.  Infact as I see it a man should treasure the woman he loves as should a woman treasure the man in her life.  But the women in my life keep showing me that my thinking is off. 

2010 uh, now what?

I'm such a snail when I don't have a plan.  I could easily spend days, weeks, even months spending time accomplishing nothing really.  Hell I've done it.  Now my mind is moving on to the impressions one leaves in life, I can't exactly think of what made me ponder this but I am.

I feel that we all leave an impression whether we are aware of it or not.  It might be nothing grand, but it's there affecting life/lives.  You know the whole domino effect or ripples in a pond kind of thing.  I sometimes feel insignificant that I could die and really what does it matter, what am I doing here?  Is all I'm made for to produce life? and if I don't then what the hell did I live for.  Then I remember a conversation I had with a person years ago, who I barely knew mind you.  They asked me the common questions of what do you do for fun? what do you enjoy? what do you do with your free time? kind of questions and my answers were travel when I can, don't know, and read.  That one conversation left me with an immense impression of my life. While to the other person it was probably nothing a quick conversation to just pass the time and something that didn't even register in their memory bank.  It's not like I didn't realize what my life was like and had been wanting to change, but something about that conversation propelled me to take action and slowly change my life.

So remember that the smallest actions mean something whether your aware of it or not. 

Accomplished

I didn't make a New Year's Resolution for 2009 and you know what I didn't need it. I would say my life is very blessed, as I look at photographs from time passed there are so many good times had. In this year that was flown by I've had many first. I went traveling with a friend for the first time. I made a conscious decision to meet new people, even though I hate doing that. I went skiing, horseback riding, white water rafted, tried a new way of showing faith, went to parties where I knew almost no one, I faced many fears, all of that for the very first time. Not all of it was pleasent, but I'm happy that I tried it out.



While I've gone back to an old routine in some aspects I've gone back with a different perspective and that changed it all. I'm amazed at how much changed when I decided to be happy. Much of my anger and resentment went away and hasn't been back in a while. I'm busy a lot because I'm spending time with people I enjoy. Nothing else changed except that one little decision and that affected every aspect of my life. I'm not richer, but I appreciate what I earn (not that I would sneeze at a better offer). I don't have more firends, but somehow I became more comfortable being around people I don't know. It's still akward sometimes, but it's a vast improvment from always. My work load hasn't lessend, but I'm glad to have it even if sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. I tell myself that the more I have to do the less likely I am to be without of a job. I was amazed when someone I know and respect told me she wished she had my life. I laughed because I wish I had hers. While somethings have changed I don't think that ever will: The grass will continue to be greener on the other side.

One of many..

of my challenges. So I've already stated I have a hard time meeting people, but I'm working on it. Now I can at least make awkward conversation and sometimes even an enjoyable one. Now transfer that to when my lovely friends set me up with dates, without my permission I might add. There is something the word date does to me that I find utterly frustrating. I litterly freeze up if someone tells me this is a date. My side of any conversation with a date is uh, mm, that's nice, yea, no, and it's pretty much just that. I know it doesn't make it conducive to an enjoyable time or a time anyone would want to repeat. To make matters worse I avoid eye contact big time. One more thing to put the cherry on top is I tense up anytime the so called date tries to have any sort of physical contact that goes beyond a hand shake. From that you would gather that this person that doesn't make an effort at conversation, won't look at you, and apperantly doesn't want to be touched by you is utterly inept at socializing. Which by the way is true, the thing is I don't know what to do about it. It takes me months to years to warm up to a person. A date gives you one chance to make an impression mine just happens to be a very bad one.

Grief

Grief - a multi-faceted response to the loss of someone or something you have formed a bond to.

I don't ever seem to react in the appropriate manner as is expected of being informed that someone has passed on. It may be for the fact that I take it in stride at the moment I'm told. While others wail out loud or in silence as an almost immediate reaction, I go on in my usual routine. It's not till later usually when I've had time to slow down that the grief comes to the forefront. Suddenly I'll start sobbing for what appears to be no apparent reason, but it's then that it hits me, that one person which I had a bond with is gone. I can't enjoy their presence any longer other than in my memories which I savor with melancholy.

There is one less member of my family and I'm just now realzing that I can't say any last words. I can't hug or kiss anymore. I can't laugh or play with. I can't debate with about whaterver or just enjoy the presence of that one person. There is an emptiness, void, absence left. Now I'm just trying to deal with it.

Do you exist or are you living?

I asked myself that question in 2007. When I was a a total workaholic who had no life outside of work. It hit me when I took a weekend to do something besides work and literally had no idea who I could contact or where to go. It's then that you ask yourself what the hell are you doing? It's one thing to be successful and another to be happy, who knew they weren't one and the same.

I'm trying my hardest to get beyond just existing to living. To being present in the moment instead of always planing for the future that might never be. For the reason that it is so easy to just exist and not realize that there is more. Ever since then my focus has been on building relationships with people I like. Relationships not being my strong suit, it's been hard work harder than paid work. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, I've learned that it's not possible to like a person ALL the time. There will be disagreements, disappointments, wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong people, secrets that are unfortunately not kept (that would be me by the way). The hard part will be to keep the relationship going on if it's a good one.