Grief

Grief - a multi-faceted response to the loss of someone or something you have formed a bond to.

I don't ever seem to react in the appropriate manner as is expected of being informed that someone has passed on. It may be for the fact that I take it in stride at the moment I'm told. While others wail out loud or in silence as an almost immediate reaction, I go on in my usual routine. It's not till later usually when I've had time to slow down that the grief comes to the forefront. Suddenly I'll start sobbing for what appears to be no apparent reason, but it's then that it hits me, that one person which I had a bond with is gone. I can't enjoy their presence any longer other than in my memories which I savor with melancholy.

There is one less member of my family and I'm just now realzing that I can't say any last words. I can't hug or kiss anymore. I can't laugh or play with. I can't debate with about whaterver or just enjoy the presence of that one person. There is an emptiness, void, absence left. Now I'm just trying to deal with it.

Do you exist or are you living?

I asked myself that question in 2007. When I was a a total workaholic who had no life outside of work. It hit me when I took a weekend to do something besides work and literally had no idea who I could contact or where to go. It's then that you ask yourself what the hell are you doing? It's one thing to be successful and another to be happy, who knew they weren't one and the same.

I'm trying my hardest to get beyond just existing to living. To being present in the moment instead of always planing for the future that might never be. For the reason that it is so easy to just exist and not realize that there is more. Ever since then my focus has been on building relationships with people I like. Relationships not being my strong suit, it's been hard work harder than paid work. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, I've learned that it's not possible to like a person ALL the time. There will be disagreements, disappointments, wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong people, secrets that are unfortunately not kept (that would be me by the way). The hard part will be to keep the relationship going on if it's a good one.

I smile on the inside

How my life has quickly changed in month. Around this time a month ago I was unemployed and had WAY too much time on hands. I was bored a lotta of the time, but on the plus side I reflected on my life which is needed every now and then. I realized I unintentionally put up a wall around people. While this blog allows my thoughts almost free reign. Around people though I feel that I have to be careful of my actions, expressions, and words. So as I said I put up walls and I'm working on lowering them at least. While I might not make or keep friends easily I treasure them whole heartily. I've come to realize the importance of them in my life.

Anywho to get back on track. Life has changed, in fact it's done a 180. I now feel like I keep running out of time. I'll be busy with something and before I realize it at least a half hour, if not a whole hour has gone by. I know have to make personal time fit into my weekly schedule, while before all I had was personal time. I also realize a person needs to stop sometimes from all the, the to-do list and just let the mind and body rest for a bit.

Another good thing to come from being unemployed for a while is that I now treasure my work and paycheck. I also now have a better understanding of why people struggle financially. Before I used to think people just don't handle their money well, now I see that if your being paid slightly above minimum wage their is no way one person can live off that much less support a whole family without some debt being involved. I realize how incredibly lucky I am. Mind you it wasn't only luck that got me where I am. There was a determination and support system as well to attain what I have accomplished.

Closer to attaining my happiness. Just need to work on the physical side of me, but for now it's on the back burner. :0)

Memory Keeper's Daughter

Just finished it last night. I was surprised at how much I connected with the characters. I feel like Caroline just waiting for my life to start sometimes. Or like David wanting more out of life. Then there was Norah who had a need to be free and for a while felt like she was underwater, just fighting to get through the motions of what was expected. Phoebe with her love of simple things, I strive to be morel like her. I liked how it ended giving me more food for my musings. I can either be angry and bitter about things in life or just make what you can out of it. I try the latter, but the rage sometimes explodes without warning. Oh well I'm working on it. Next on the book shelf is TRUE SIGHT will see how that goes.

Direction/Employment

I can happily say that I will soon be a full-time employee. I'm trying to show that I care about me by taking care of my physical body and emotional state. For the physical form I take a daily walk to warm the system and watch what I eat. Everything in moderation is my motto, I don't deny myself tasteful pleasures. For me that's a big part of enjoying life. Emotionally I write this blog to let out my musings as someone recently put, which seems appropriate for what I do here. Also I can plan my trips/travels now that I have funding for them. It's the other part of my pleasure orientated life. One thing I would like to add to help feel complete is helping others. I'd forgotten how much I needed that, my life feels empty without that action, I just need to find an outlet for it.

Fighting It

I have this urge to just quit, to just lay down and cry. It's all I want to do, but I'm fighting it for the reason that I'm afraid. I've been here before hell I'm in this emotional place frequently. It isn't consistent sometimes I can go months without feeling it and other times just a few short weeks before it hits again. Most people call IT depression. The only way I can describe it as a black hole. Energy, emotions, desires, and dreams are just sucked in and your left with nothing. I don't want to reach the point where I don't even ..... I just don't want to go there. So I fight the the urge to cry I feel like if I give in it's just a short slippery slope till I'm left with nothing once more. It is so hard to come back from that, I still struggle with it daily. Which is why I've decided to go to the beach soon, it calms and sooths. Just watching wave after wave come in puts my mind at ease and gives me the opportunity to climb back up without struggling so much.

WHY?

Why did I start this irregular blog that has no other purpose than somewhere to spill my rambling thoughts? I've considered a daily photo blog, a journal, following my journey of discovery of my calling or purpose as it may be, or mentioning my favorite places to eat. So far I've tried all of these at one time or another to see which is my preference. I have yet to truly decide, but it's a wonderful experience. I enjoy considering what I'll write about and knowing that it's out there in cyberspace once it's published. I enjoy the possibilities of something. :0)