One of many..

of my challenges. So I've already stated I have a hard time meeting people, but I'm working on it. Now I can at least make awkward conversation and sometimes even an enjoyable one. Now transfer that to when my lovely friends set me up with dates, without my permission I might add. There is something the word date does to me that I find utterly frustrating. I litterly freeze up if someone tells me this is a date. My side of any conversation with a date is uh, mm, that's nice, yea, no, and it's pretty much just that. I know it doesn't make it conducive to an enjoyable time or a time anyone would want to repeat. To make matters worse I avoid eye contact big time. One more thing to put the cherry on top is I tense up anytime the so called date tries to have any sort of physical contact that goes beyond a hand shake. From that you would gather that this person that doesn't make an effort at conversation, won't look at you, and apperantly doesn't want to be touched by you is utterly inept at socializing. Which by the way is true, the thing is I don't know what to do about it. It takes me months to years to warm up to a person. A date gives you one chance to make an impression mine just happens to be a very bad one.

Grief

Grief - a multi-faceted response to the loss of someone or something you have formed a bond to.

I don't ever seem to react in the appropriate manner as is expected of being informed that someone has passed on. It may be for the fact that I take it in stride at the moment I'm told. While others wail out loud or in silence as an almost immediate reaction, I go on in my usual routine. It's not till later usually when I've had time to slow down that the grief comes to the forefront. Suddenly I'll start sobbing for what appears to be no apparent reason, but it's then that it hits me, that one person which I had a bond with is gone. I can't enjoy their presence any longer other than in my memories which I savor with melancholy.

There is one less member of my family and I'm just now realzing that I can't say any last words. I can't hug or kiss anymore. I can't laugh or play with. I can't debate with about whaterver or just enjoy the presence of that one person. There is an emptiness, void, absence left. Now I'm just trying to deal with it.

Do you exist or are you living?

I asked myself that question in 2007. When I was a a total workaholic who had no life outside of work. It hit me when I took a weekend to do something besides work and literally had no idea who I could contact or where to go. It's then that you ask yourself what the hell are you doing? It's one thing to be successful and another to be happy, who knew they weren't one and the same.

I'm trying my hardest to get beyond just existing to living. To being present in the moment instead of always planing for the future that might never be. For the reason that it is so easy to just exist and not realize that there is more. Ever since then my focus has been on building relationships with people I like. Relationships not being my strong suit, it's been hard work harder than paid work. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, I've learned that it's not possible to like a person ALL the time. There will be disagreements, disappointments, wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong people, secrets that are unfortunately not kept (that would be me by the way). The hard part will be to keep the relationship going on if it's a good one.

I smile on the inside

How my life has quickly changed in month. Around this time a month ago I was unemployed and had WAY too much time on hands. I was bored a lotta of the time, but on the plus side I reflected on my life which is needed every now and then. I realized I unintentionally put up a wall around people. While this blog allows my thoughts almost free reign. Around people though I feel that I have to be careful of my actions, expressions, and words. So as I said I put up walls and I'm working on lowering them at least. While I might not make or keep friends easily I treasure them whole heartily. I've come to realize the importance of them in my life.

Anywho to get back on track. Life has changed, in fact it's done a 180. I now feel like I keep running out of time. I'll be busy with something and before I realize it at least a half hour, if not a whole hour has gone by. I know have to make personal time fit into my weekly schedule, while before all I had was personal time. I also realize a person needs to stop sometimes from all the, the to-do list and just let the mind and body rest for a bit.

Another good thing to come from being unemployed for a while is that I now treasure my work and paycheck. I also now have a better understanding of why people struggle financially. Before I used to think people just don't handle their money well, now I see that if your being paid slightly above minimum wage their is no way one person can live off that much less support a whole family without some debt being involved. I realize how incredibly lucky I am. Mind you it wasn't only luck that got me where I am. There was a determination and support system as well to attain what I have accomplished.

Closer to attaining my happiness. Just need to work on the physical side of me, but for now it's on the back burner. :0)

Memory Keeper's Daughter

Just finished it last night. I was surprised at how much I connected with the characters. I feel like Caroline just waiting for my life to start sometimes. Or like David wanting more out of life. Then there was Norah who had a need to be free and for a while felt like she was underwater, just fighting to get through the motions of what was expected. Phoebe with her love of simple things, I strive to be morel like her. I liked how it ended giving me more food for my musings. I can either be angry and bitter about things in life or just make what you can out of it. I try the latter, but the rage sometimes explodes without warning. Oh well I'm working on it. Next on the book shelf is TRUE SIGHT will see how that goes.

Direction/Employment

I can happily say that I will soon be a full-time employee. I'm trying to show that I care about me by taking care of my physical body and emotional state. For the physical form I take a daily walk to warm the system and watch what I eat. Everything in moderation is my motto, I don't deny myself tasteful pleasures. For me that's a big part of enjoying life. Emotionally I write this blog to let out my musings as someone recently put, which seems appropriate for what I do here. Also I can plan my trips/travels now that I have funding for them. It's the other part of my pleasure orientated life. One thing I would like to add to help feel complete is helping others. I'd forgotten how much I needed that, my life feels empty without that action, I just need to find an outlet for it.

Fighting It

I have this urge to just quit, to just lay down and cry. It's all I want to do, but I'm fighting it for the reason that I'm afraid. I've been here before hell I'm in this emotional place frequently. It isn't consistent sometimes I can go months without feeling it and other times just a few short weeks before it hits again. Most people call IT depression. The only way I can describe it as a black hole. Energy, emotions, desires, and dreams are just sucked in and your left with nothing. I don't want to reach the point where I don't even ..... I just don't want to go there. So I fight the the urge to cry I feel like if I give in it's just a short slippery slope till I'm left with nothing once more. It is so hard to come back from that, I still struggle with it daily. Which is why I've decided to go to the beach soon, it calms and sooths. Just watching wave after wave come in puts my mind at ease and gives me the opportunity to climb back up without struggling so much.

WHY?

Why did I start this irregular blog that has no other purpose than somewhere to spill my rambling thoughts? I've considered a daily photo blog, a journal, following my journey of discovery of my calling or purpose as it may be, or mentioning my favorite places to eat. So far I've tried all of these at one time or another to see which is my preference. I have yet to truly decide, but it's a wonderful experience. I enjoy considering what I'll write about and knowing that it's out there in cyberspace once it's published. I enjoy the possibilities of something. :0)

Can not belive it

We are midway thru September! Time is only speeding up for me it seems. New Years, Martin Luther King Day, Valentines, Mardi Gras, St. Patricks Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Labor Day, Graduations, 4th of July, Memorial Day and countless birthday's have passed already. Had a job found a new one. Traveled seen more of the nation. Explored possibilities and realized some of them are futile. Lastly I've tried new things. That I'm happy I've explored even if sometimes things went wrong I know now.

Travel a way of life

I stumbled upon this blog: nomadderwhere.com. For the blogger traveling is a way of life, it's her passion and she knows it. She goes after it and I admire her greatly for it. As much as I LOVE to travel it doesn't compare. She inspires me to keep going for it, even though financially the situation sometimes seems like a hopeless dream.
I love it so much it's always shocking to me when I meet people who don't like, heck some of them hate it. It's the exploration of a new place that I've only dreamt of being in, so to realize it is truly a dream come true. It's the interesting interaction (a.k.a pantomime and wrecking of the language) I have with some of the people I bump into. It's when I push myself out of my comfort zone and love it because I tried something new. As much as I enjoy it though I like coming home to family and having a place of my own.

Words to describe my travels: awesome, amazing, awe-inspiring, awful, beautiful, breathtaking, formidable, frantic, horrible, impressive, mind-blowing, massive, nervous, moving, overwhelming, daunting, frightening, it's just plain incredible.

Wanting more

Recently my family's been asking more and more what are you doing? Why did I give up a well paying job, especially in this recession? All I can say is that I want more. How to explain this need for more, when I'm having a hard time defining what I mean by more. Over a year a ago I was set in my career and I was well on my way to saving up for a home. I even had a little extra that allowed me to indulge my love of travel. While everyone around me looked at my life and saw it as perfect, achieving the American Dream and all that, I kept thinking so what's next. The natural step would be get married and start a family, at least that would be for a normal person and that would be enough. For me though I couldn't get the thought of what's next out of my head. This couldn't be the end, it just couldn't if I'm lucky I still have several decades left ahead of me. So I felt that it was too soon to stop and settle into the family commitment. In my culture at my age I should be married, have my own home, and pregnant with my second or third child. To me the idea of it is abhorrent right now. And maybe what I mean is that I want more me time, I'm not ready to start on the next chapter just yet or anytime soon really.

Photo was taken at St. Peter's, Vatican City

My Ever-Changing Bucket List

Saw the movie (worth seeing by the way) and have read other people's bucket list for inspiration. Anywho as I get older I'm realizing it's possible to run out of time. One of those oh so I am going to die someday and it isn't possible to go back and redo life. While I have done some of these things because opportunity presented itself and sometimes I was smart enough to take advantage of them, there is SO much more out there.

1. See and feel Niagara Falls
2. Grand Canyon
3. Stand at the Four Corners
4. Stand on the Equator both of them
5. Travel by any means possible (still haven't been on a helicopter, cruise, hot air balloon, segway, and anything else that has yet to been available to the public)
6. Pet a lion cub and hold a Panda Bear baby
7. Walk part of the Great Wall of China
8. Kayak in the Bio Luminous Water
9. Machu Pichu
10. Visit all 7 continents (still can't believe missed out on Africa when I had the chance)
11. See the Northern Lights
12. Redwood Forest
13. Live or travel solo for some time (gotta try it out) think I'll do this again, with Semester at Sea this time
14. Raise and love a family of my own
15. Continue looking for my passion
16. Continue learning otherwise I'd become stale in my thinking
17. Write a children's book that I can one day read to my children, nieces and nephews
18. Continue to make the decision to be happy
19. Ride on an elephant
20. See the Pyramids of Egypt and Mexico
21. Ride a camel
22. Hike in a rainforest
23. Visit Galapogs Island
24. Create my dream house

Cha-ching

In an effort to save in these times of tightening the budget. I've so far resorted to actually creating a budget and sticking to it, although every now and then I go over and even under by a few bucks. This includes, but is not limited to brown bagging it more and eating out less. When I do eat out I will usually order from the kids meal since really that's about all the food I need to feel satisfied instead of grotesquely full. Also I order water instead of a drink, because in case you didn't know that saves you 2-3 dollars! I've rediscovered these marvelous things called thrift stores. It is possible to find some nice clothing for a buck. Something even better is exchanging clothes with friends and it's FREE (my new favorite word by the way). Our girls night used to consist of dinner, movie, and drinks which a person could easily spend $50 in night. Now our girls night is a potluck style dinner with some games thrown in for fun which now costs us $10. One last thing instead of going to Blockbuster we exchange movies with friends or go to the library, and now we go to the $1 movies instead of the $10 movies.

Lost

I'm lost without direction. i don't know weather to continue with the path I've started on or create a new one. The one I know has it's downsides, but it's safe and comfortable. The new one is scary and exciting because I don't know where it will lead. What if it doesn't work out? What if it was a mistake to try something new? Right now all I am is full of what ifs and I'm stuck. I hate it since I'm the kind of person who follows a path to get somewhere. As much as I like wandering I enjoy having a goal to work towards.

So for now I'm keeping busy doing nothing really and wondering what I should do. Been doing it for a year think it's time to make a decision and just go with it. If it doesn't work out at least I tried and must remember I can change course, but I know that in the back of my mind I'll hear the tick tock of time I might be wasting doing something else. Guess this is where the saying the grass is always greener comes in.

Do you still dream?

As I grow I find myself becoming distracted by life and worn down time. When I was younger I didn't understand why anyone would want to be a teenager again it was horrible. Emotions going bonkers, words spewing out my mouth without thought, insecurities like no other why anyone would want to relive that was beyond me. I've come to realize now why people want to go back there is this feeling of the unknown, that everything could be possible since you haven't tested the waters. More likely than not at this young age you still haven't experienced defeat or the feeling of carrying the world on your shoulders. You haven't realized how difficult things can become. Or how quickly things could become disastrous. As you become an actual adult you've come to realize how life can end in seconds and can change within a blink of an eye. You also realize things are much harder than previously imagined.

Before you know it you have career that requries more than 40 hours a week, you have a mortgage, bills, a family that needs your attention. With all that going on without realizing time has flown, by the time you take notice you wonder what happened. What happend to my dreams?my goals?my ideals? Did I do everything I set out to do? When did I get distracted?

Then I remember I can still dream. I can set new goals. Or I could throw that all out the window and just live and see where that takes me. As long as I made the choice to do so I don't think I will regret it.

LILI'S bistro on Magnolia Ave.

I'm mostly a selfish person so I debated whether to even mention this place to anybody. My need to have this place survive this horrendous recession we find ourselves in won out the debate. Now I take anyone I can find to Lili's and make them promise that when they return they must invite me. I still haven't tried all their desserts, but I will eventually. As you can see we couldn't even wait to take a photo before we chowed down. What you see here is what I'm told is a goooood Three Cheese Burger with Gorgonzola Fries. I prefer the Grilled Chicken burger I seriously am in my own little heaven when I bite into it. I don't care if my phone is ringing or if someone is talking to me, I'm busy enjoying my food. A by the way is bring your appetite portions are big, the place is tiny ( I don't think it even has more than 10 tables inside) so expect to wait if it's around lunchtime but I'm telling you it's worth it.

http://www.lilisbistro.com/

Chef Point Cafe

Taking a note from one of my favorite blogs Fort Worth Hole in the Wall. I figured I'd share some of my favorite places to eat as well as any new ones I find along the way. Starting with Chef Point Cafe in Watauga. I've been driving past this place for years and had never known it was a resturant. It's half a gas station, heck I've even pumped gas here but hadn't gone inside. Stumbled upon it by chance on the web and found it's an intresting little spot. It's a sit yourself kind of place with mixture of people. Liked that you can see the cook's preparing your meal. Which reminds me have patience, bring yourself some good company or an intresting book, because they don't prepare anything till you order it. As all the food would pass me by my I got to see thier range of dishes and everything looked like somehting I'll be eating in my near future. Mind you I only tried the pizza for the reason that I'm a shove away from broke, and it was the cheapest thing on the menu that could be shared easily. Anywho it's prices range from ($5.99-$20.99) and the variety of food for a small place astounding.

http://www.chefpointcafe.org/home.nxg