March 20, 2011 to March 2020

 Almost 10 years

Life happened so quickly speeding faster and faster and then it stopped

Almost 10 years passed in the blink of an eye so much happened and it went so quickly. Before I knew it I'm sitting in the doctor's office being asked about freezing eggs, inseminations, what are my plans for babies. I couldn't give an answer from the shock of times run out. The reality of it's time to decided before life decides for me it's too late.

I haven't given serious thought to this very serious life decision in ten years, because I had time. I didn't need to decided right this second so it could wait, until possibly my life situation changed better suited for thinking of reproducing. 

I shoved this decision aside for months because life happened. A worldwide pandemic erupted, borders shut down, the economy started to decline, life as it was ceased to exist, a man was murdered on the street at the hands of four police officers, racism came to the forefront, anti-racism became a movement, election year meant political tension in the air, life happened.

Then I'm in a chair getting a beauty treatment just small talking with the lady when we enter on the topic of babies. We managed to have a very serious discussion in a light manner. Only to end sharing with each other baby decision at this moment in our lives. How when I was younger the possibility of infertility became real and the shocking emotions that came with that possibility. To the point I called the doctor in before the procedure to promise me he wouldn't leave me without the chance of  babies of my own. So the lady simply says guess deep down you really want children. To which I replied I guess it's deeeep down because it's been almost 10 years.  To which she replied guess we will leave it in God's hands. I softly replied Yea, I guess I will.

If I died today..

and had the fortune to meet our Lord I do belive he'd find me lacking.  While other people may be certain that they will be in heaven I am fairly certain I won't.  Not for the reason that I'm wicked in the sense that I am sinful in human eyes.  The reasons I belive I won't cross those pearly gates is because up to now I've found myself incapable or unwilling of forgiving wrongs done against me.  I still remember when the prayer Our Father was explianed to me and that middle part struck fear in me.  In case you don't know it here is how I remember it:

Our Father who are in heaven, hollow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us for our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.  Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. Amen.

This is one prayer that I haven't forgotten.  It makes me wonder how can God forgive my trespasses against him when I won't forgive the trespasses against me.  I know He can forgive me, but why should He when I won't.  There's more, but that will be another time.

Am I ready?

Read an article on Yahoo today that provided reasons why people find it so hard to commit.

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=11523&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=723940

#1 I'm not sure I have a list of must haves,  other than your general good person, working, faithful, even temperament, just all around good person.
#2 Definitely applies to me, I can't commit because what if there is something better. I'm like that about everything in my life from choosing a purse to life partner.  What if I like the purse in the next store better?  I'm not so sure about this one- kind of thinking goes on constantly in the back of my mind.  I'd like to just know this one, I like this one- and not second guessing myself.  To just know and be happy with that would improve my life, I think.  <--you see I'm not even sure about that decision, so I guess I'm just indecisive.
#3Terrefied to open up as in ranging on phobia would be appropriate label for my feelings on intimacy in all it's forms. This would be an enormous road-block that I'm wanting to diminish.  It's so strong to in me to avoid any form of intimacy that I'm not even shooting for getting completely rid of this caution, just hoping to diminish it so I open up over time at least.  At the moment a person could know me for years and it's like pulling teeth for me to do this.  This goes back to the whole trust thing, which is a mountain issue to be dealt with at a later date.
#4 Glad I read this because I haven't defined my values, mostly because some are still in development.  I agree for a long term relationship to work both parties values must match-up.  From where you stand on family, religion, faith, money, moral, relate to people, love, intimacy, responsibility, life, etc.
#5 I think the idea of soul mates is wonderful, but it's more dream than reality.  You make a choice to share a life with someone.  It's a choice you make everyday that you are together.  It's not always an easy choice, in fact it appears to me from my observational stand point to be a hard one most days.  I do think there are people in life you just click with sometimes it's same sex, other times opposite.  I've run into less than a handful in my lifetime, but I've learned that you treasure these people however they come to you for however long you are in each other's lives.  It's so rare though to meet people who just get you, so I'll take the people in my life who I like and treasure them as well.  A relationship with people I like requires more effort, but because I like them I'm willing to put in the effort to improve and continue the relationship.

To answer the question at this very moment in time no I'm not, but the desire to be ready has come about which has never truly appeared before.  I will be ready.

Are you a Christian?

So I'm trying the method that's worked for me in the past: faking it till I make it.  I'm doing the church thing even though I'm not 100% in wholeheartedly, yet.  I'm hoping that with time I'll open up and start believing completely. At this moment I'm filled with doubts that are helping block the path I want to take.  Several questions were asked some stuck with me and I'm contemplating theme at the moment.  Do you believe the Bible?  Who is Jesus to you?  and Are you a Christian?

The first question I didn't think about my answer, it came to me immediately, no I don't.  I'm not hating on it, but I don't turn to it when it comes to my relationship with the Lord.  I see it as a book that people that lived long ago wrote about what they experienced or heard, that's it.  I don't see it as a book that came directly from God.  The very thought that followed this answer was Have you ever read the Bible?  Now my response has always been no I don't believe in the Bible, but why that question hadn't popped into my head before I don't know.  I have tried to read it before, by the way didn't even get through Genesis before quitting.  So it occurs to me maybe I shouldn't judge a book before reading it first. Just a thought.

The second question was the hardest of the three for me to answer.  He was man.  He affected history.  His life influences us to this day an age.  The real question though is Do you believe he is the Son of God?  Well I was raised being told he was, so I just assumed it was true.  It wasn't till I was an adult that it occurred to me to question that.  When I think of a symbol for my faith the cross comes to mind, but not just the cross, Jesus on the cross.  So does that mean that I truly believe Jesus is the Son of God? Do I truly believe he gave up his life for us? That because of him we have Heaven? Do I truly believe God loves us to the point that he sacrificed his Son for us?  These are harder questions to answer.

Am I Christan? Before I would have said yes of course, but now I'm not so sure.  I think that someone who lives a life with a good heart,  does their best to live a life without sin, is good to people,  and is open to the Lord has a place in Heaven.  Doesn't matter what religion they followed or if they followed one.  According to what I heard today that isn't the case.  You must be a Christian, you must believe in Jesus and obey God's will .  Now here's is something that was said that caught my attention: Everyone can be wrong, but not Everyone can be right.  Which okay, makes sense all the religions can be wrong, but not every religion can be right.  That would be contradictory to one another. 

One more thing that caught my attention was that We aren't about we can do for God, but about recognizing what God has done for us.  This was different.  What has God done for me? Almost immediately I recognized two things at least.  When I was lonely, desperately so, he surrounded me with people who love Him and trust Him.  For awhile there I was my own roadblock not letting these people in, but as I slowly opened up to them the more they appeared.  Also when I was started to seek him He was there ready to guide me back to Him.  I do believe he's been with me this whole time, I've just closed him out of my life to a certain extent.  

Complete Faith

I remember when I had complete faith in my Lord.  There was this feeling inside me this light that was lit because I loved and trusted my Lord.  I still remember the feeling of peace it was a wonderful feeling, one I desire to feel again and yet I haven't let myself feel that in years.  I trusted God to keep me safe, to hold my heart.  My memories of that are good they are what are making me realize the desire in me is growing to find God, to allow him into my life with an open heart again. 

To do that I have to face what caused me to distance myself from Him, something I've put on the side for years now but it's time to deal with it.  There were several events that happened close to a decade ago close together these events brought me to my knees and changed the way I viewed humanity, the world, and life.  One of the events is 9/11 which hurt, but it brought me to prayer.  Shortly after though a plane crashed into a building in New York again.  I thought AGAIN! again this happens, (while there was no malicious intent, it turned out to be an accident), but still had a hard time accepting that the Lord would have this happen again so soon after.  This started my doubt, it was a very small doubt, it was enough though to start a change in me.  The hair that broke the camels back though was the news that Catholic Priests had and are molesting children for decades on end.  That caused in me an anger so great that I couldn't and still can't easily step into a Church without feeling like exploding.  I know child molestation goes on, I'm a product of it.  I know the emotinal wounds that you hope become scars leave in the victims.  That a Priest a person that dedicated their life to GOD!! would do this, not just one but beyond SEVERAL had an effect on me.  What really did it though was the fact that the Catholic Church relocated these Priest ALLOWING this crime to continue for decades, instead of turning them in. There were so many victims and only those that were brave enough to speak up, which isn't at all easy.  This event caused a rift in my faith, it dimmed my light to the point that I thought it gone because the anger was overwhelming.  Forget peace, I thought it a joke.  How could there be peace? When I was being wracked with pain, with fear, with rage. My trust had been destroyed and I haven't trusted anyone or anything truly since.

Recently, within the last year, there has been this urge to seek the Lord in my life and it grows steadly. The Lord seems to know I'm seeking because the people in my life have started inviting me to seek him with them, when they hadn't ever before that.  I've been fighting it with excuses, but I've been regreting that I keep saying no.  So I'm starting here by acknowliding the desire to seek Him out.  I've also recently come to the realization that I am God's tool, that WE are God's tool.  What I mean by this is that we have free will, we make choices.  He will guide us, He has chosen not to make/force us do things, he has provided us with what we need but it's up to us to choose how we live.  I do belive the Holy Spirit/God is in each and everyone of us, some have to chosen to allow Him to shine while others have closed their heart to Him.  He established a family because we need it, that we choose to follow that path is up to us.  He knew that we would need someone to love and someone that would love us.  He knew that a baby would need someone to take care of it.  He knew that an older person would need a caretaker.  He knew that we are social beings so he provided us people from birth.  He established within us a great tool that being our brain, it's up to us how we use it.  He established within us morals, but it's up to us whether we follow them.  He provided but it's up to you what you do with it.  Coming to this realization led to another one. 

I've heard and I myself have said "Lord why?  Why do you allow such malicious people?  Why is there hunger? Why do you allow people to be hurt?  Why Lord?"  The response I got was "Why do YOU allow it? ".  This was like cold water being thrown at me when I'm asleep, because I had been.  
Me?  I allow?  How?  
It's simple really.
If someones hungry and you can provide, feed them.
If you know a crime is being commited, stop it.
If someone is in need of help, help them.
The hard part is doing, especially if you haven't before.  Trust me I know but for me the hardest part is stopping a crime, stopping the wrong doing.
So it's not Why Lord? , but Why do WE allow it to continue when we are capable of ending it? Why do YOU allow your neighbor to go hungry? Why do YOU allow your neighbor to be hurt?  Why do YOU hurt yourself?  Why don't YOU help?  Why?

2011

I've spent the last few years distracting myself from myself with new adventures.  While they were sometimes fun, they sure were memorable, but I"m coming to the realization that one of my motivators was to keep busy so I wouldn't have to reflect or face my issues.  While I don't regret not one of my adventures I'm realizing I'm holding myself back from moving forward with my life.  It's time, it's beyond past time to deal with my past, with my bitterness.  I've let this keep me closed off from the world and my faith, that way I'd be safe from pain.  This year I'm going to be brave and deal with it by writing, I'm sure there will be crying/sobbing, but I sure as hell want to avoid depression.  I'm hoping that by doing this I'll be able to let go of the weight I carry, that I'll be able to open up if only slightly at first.  Terrified, but doing it anyway.

Where did I go?

I used to be a girl with goals and ambition.  I had hunger for accomplishment and didn't let things trip me up. Big things could get me down, but I'd come back up fighting.  I wasn't afraid, I was sure of what I wanted and everyone else could go jump themselves.  That was my attitutued if you didn't like me feel free to screw yourself, cuz I don't give a damn.  I was full of anger at the world in general.  I thought people can't do anything right or good, just look at history hell just look at the news happening here and now.  I'd be intrested to see what people picture of this person I've forgotten about until recently.

Now fear rules me.  I won't try new things because I might get hurt.  I won't go to some places because something might happen.  Hell I haven't gotten a haircut because I might look worse than I do now. Do you get where this is going?  I've forgetten about goals or ambition and therefore I haven't done anything major in my life in the last few years.  Life is simple at the moment work, spend money on who knows what I have none and nothing to show for it, clean, eat, and when possible spend time with friends and family.  It's been this routine for the better part of the last couple of years.  It will continue to be the same routine if I stay the way I am.  The reason being that I fear something might happen if I change this routine.  What could happen if I change things up?

If I try to be financially independent, I might find out that I'm not acutally able to do so like I thought I could. 
If I try to be independent I might find out that I don't know much and start crying because life is about to hit me a curve ball.
If I try to be independent I might find out that I am lonely and change my mind about needing my own family.

I think all that instead of being positive and thinking I'll have my own place that I can do anything I want with,  I can be independent.  So I might not know everything, but I can handle it.  That family I don't have you know what I don't need it, but I still want it sometime down the line.  So for the moment this is who've I've become someone who fears what might happen.