2011

I've spent the last few years distracting myself from myself with new adventures.  While they were sometimes fun, they sure were memorable, but I"m coming to the realization that one of my motivators was to keep busy so I wouldn't have to reflect or face my issues.  While I don't regret not one of my adventures I'm realizing I'm holding myself back from moving forward with my life.  It's time, it's beyond past time to deal with my past, with my bitterness.  I've let this keep me closed off from the world and my faith, that way I'd be safe from pain.  This year I'm going to be brave and deal with it by writing, I'm sure there will be crying/sobbing, but I sure as hell want to avoid depression.  I'm hoping that by doing this I'll be able to let go of the weight I carry, that I'll be able to open up if only slightly at first.  Terrified, but doing it anyway.

One of many..

of my challenges. So I've already stated I have a hard time meeting people, but I'm working on it. Now I can at least make awkward conversation and sometimes even an enjoyable one. Now transfer that to when my lovely friends set me up with dates, without my permission I might add. There is something the word date does to me that I find utterly frustrating. I litterly freeze up if someone tells me this is a date. My side of any conversation with a date is uh, mm, that's nice, yea, no, and it's pretty much just that. I know it doesn't make it conducive to an enjoyable time or a time anyone would want to repeat. To make matters worse I avoid eye contact big time. One more thing to put the cherry on top is I tense up anytime the so called date tries to have any sort of physical contact that goes beyond a hand shake. From that you would gather that this person that doesn't make an effort at conversation, won't look at you, and apperantly doesn't want to be touched by you is utterly inept at socializing. Which by the way is true, the thing is I don't know what to do about it. It takes me months to years to warm up to a person. A date gives you one chance to make an impression mine just happens to be a very bad one.