Am I ready?

Read an article on Yahoo today that provided reasons why people find it so hard to commit.

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=11523&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=723940

#1 I'm not sure I have a list of must haves,  other than your general good person, working, faithful, even temperament, just all around good person.
#2 Definitely applies to me, I can't commit because what if there is something better. I'm like that about everything in my life from choosing a purse to life partner.  What if I like the purse in the next store better?  I'm not so sure about this one- kind of thinking goes on constantly in the back of my mind.  I'd like to just know this one, I like this one- and not second guessing myself.  To just know and be happy with that would improve my life, I think.  <--you see I'm not even sure about that decision, so I guess I'm just indecisive.
#3Terrefied to open up as in ranging on phobia would be appropriate label for my feelings on intimacy in all it's forms. This would be an enormous road-block that I'm wanting to diminish.  It's so strong to in me to avoid any form of intimacy that I'm not even shooting for getting completely rid of this caution, just hoping to diminish it so I open up over time at least.  At the moment a person could know me for years and it's like pulling teeth for me to do this.  This goes back to the whole trust thing, which is a mountain issue to be dealt with at a later date.
#4 Glad I read this because I haven't defined my values, mostly because some are still in development.  I agree for a long term relationship to work both parties values must match-up.  From where you stand on family, religion, faith, money, moral, relate to people, love, intimacy, responsibility, life, etc.
#5 I think the idea of soul mates is wonderful, but it's more dream than reality.  You make a choice to share a life with someone.  It's a choice you make everyday that you are together.  It's not always an easy choice, in fact it appears to me from my observational stand point to be a hard one most days.  I do think there are people in life you just click with sometimes it's same sex, other times opposite.  I've run into less than a handful in my lifetime, but I've learned that you treasure these people however they come to you for however long you are in each other's lives.  It's so rare though to meet people who just get you, so I'll take the people in my life who I like and treasure them as well.  A relationship with people I like requires more effort, but because I like them I'm willing to put in the effort to improve and continue the relationship.

To answer the question at this very moment in time no I'm not, but the desire to be ready has come about which has never truly appeared before.  I will be ready.

Complete Faith

I remember when I had complete faith in my Lord.  There was this feeling inside me this light that was lit because I loved and trusted my Lord.  I still remember the feeling of peace it was a wonderful feeling, one I desire to feel again and yet I haven't let myself feel that in years.  I trusted God to keep me safe, to hold my heart.  My memories of that are good they are what are making me realize the desire in me is growing to find God, to allow him into my life with an open heart again. 

To do that I have to face what caused me to distance myself from Him, something I've put on the side for years now but it's time to deal with it.  There were several events that happened close to a decade ago close together these events brought me to my knees and changed the way I viewed humanity, the world, and life.  One of the events is 9/11 which hurt, but it brought me to prayer.  Shortly after though a plane crashed into a building in New York again.  I thought AGAIN! again this happens, (while there was no malicious intent, it turned out to be an accident), but still had a hard time accepting that the Lord would have this happen again so soon after.  This started my doubt, it was a very small doubt, it was enough though to start a change in me.  The hair that broke the camels back though was the news that Catholic Priests had and are molesting children for decades on end.  That caused in me an anger so great that I couldn't and still can't easily step into a Church without feeling like exploding.  I know child molestation goes on, I'm a product of it.  I know the emotinal wounds that you hope become scars leave in the victims.  That a Priest a person that dedicated their life to GOD!! would do this, not just one but beyond SEVERAL had an effect on me.  What really did it though was the fact that the Catholic Church relocated these Priest ALLOWING this crime to continue for decades, instead of turning them in. There were so many victims and only those that were brave enough to speak up, which isn't at all easy.  This event caused a rift in my faith, it dimmed my light to the point that I thought it gone because the anger was overwhelming.  Forget peace, I thought it a joke.  How could there be peace? When I was being wracked with pain, with fear, with rage. My trust had been destroyed and I haven't trusted anyone or anything truly since.

Recently, within the last year, there has been this urge to seek the Lord in my life and it grows steadly. The Lord seems to know I'm seeking because the people in my life have started inviting me to seek him with them, when they hadn't ever before that.  I've been fighting it with excuses, but I've been regreting that I keep saying no.  So I'm starting here by acknowliding the desire to seek Him out.  I've also recently come to the realization that I am God's tool, that WE are God's tool.  What I mean by this is that we have free will, we make choices.  He will guide us, He has chosen not to make/force us do things, he has provided us with what we need but it's up to us to choose how we live.  I do belive the Holy Spirit/God is in each and everyone of us, some have to chosen to allow Him to shine while others have closed their heart to Him.  He established a family because we need it, that we choose to follow that path is up to us.  He knew that we would need someone to love and someone that would love us.  He knew that a baby would need someone to take care of it.  He knew that an older person would need a caretaker.  He knew that we are social beings so he provided us people from birth.  He established within us a great tool that being our brain, it's up to us how we use it.  He established within us morals, but it's up to us whether we follow them.  He provided but it's up to you what you do with it.  Coming to this realization led to another one. 

I've heard and I myself have said "Lord why?  Why do you allow such malicious people?  Why is there hunger? Why do you allow people to be hurt?  Why Lord?"  The response I got was "Why do YOU allow it? ".  This was like cold water being thrown at me when I'm asleep, because I had been.  
Me?  I allow?  How?  
It's simple really.
If someones hungry and you can provide, feed them.
If you know a crime is being commited, stop it.
If someone is in need of help, help them.
The hard part is doing, especially if you haven't before.  Trust me I know but for me the hardest part is stopping a crime, stopping the wrong doing.
So it's not Why Lord? , but Why do WE allow it to continue when we are capable of ending it? Why do YOU allow your neighbor to go hungry? Why do YOU allow your neighbor to be hurt?  Why do YOU hurt yourself?  Why don't YOU help?  Why?

Do you exist or are you living?

I asked myself that question in 2007. When I was a a total workaholic who had no life outside of work. It hit me when I took a weekend to do something besides work and literally had no idea who I could contact or where to go. It's then that you ask yourself what the hell are you doing? It's one thing to be successful and another to be happy, who knew they weren't one and the same.

I'm trying my hardest to get beyond just existing to living. To being present in the moment instead of always planing for the future that might never be. For the reason that it is so easy to just exist and not realize that there is more. Ever since then my focus has been on building relationships with people I like. Relationships not being my strong suit, it's been hard work harder than paid work. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, I've learned that it's not possible to like a person ALL the time. There will be disagreements, disappointments, wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong people, secrets that are unfortunately not kept (that would be me by the way). The hard part will be to keep the relationship going on if it's a good one.