Where did I go?

I used to be a girl with goals and ambition.  I had hunger for accomplishment and didn't let things trip me up. Big things could get me down, but I'd come back up fighting.  I wasn't afraid, I was sure of what I wanted and everyone else could go jump themselves.  That was my attitutued if you didn't like me feel free to screw yourself, cuz I don't give a damn.  I was full of anger at the world in general.  I thought people can't do anything right or good, just look at history hell just look at the news happening here and now.  I'd be intrested to see what people picture of this person I've forgotten about until recently.

Now fear rules me.  I won't try new things because I might get hurt.  I won't go to some places because something might happen.  Hell I haven't gotten a haircut because I might look worse than I do now. Do you get where this is going?  I've forgetten about goals or ambition and therefore I haven't done anything major in my life in the last few years.  Life is simple at the moment work, spend money on who knows what I have none and nothing to show for it, clean, eat, and when possible spend time with friends and family.  It's been this routine for the better part of the last couple of years.  It will continue to be the same routine if I stay the way I am.  The reason being that I fear something might happen if I change this routine.  What could happen if I change things up?

If I try to be financially independent, I might find out that I'm not acutally able to do so like I thought I could. 
If I try to be independent I might find out that I don't know much and start crying because life is about to hit me a curve ball.
If I try to be independent I might find out that I am lonely and change my mind about needing my own family.

I think all that instead of being positive and thinking I'll have my own place that I can do anything I want with,  I can be independent.  So I might not know everything, but I can handle it.  That family I don't have you know what I don't need it, but I still want it sometime down the line.  So for the moment this is who've I've become someone who fears what might happen. 

My Ever-Changing Bucket List

Saw the movie (worth seeing by the way) and have read other people's bucket list for inspiration. Anywho as I get older I'm realizing it's possible to run out of time. One of those oh so I am going to die someday and it isn't possible to go back and redo life. While I have done some of these things because opportunity presented itself and sometimes I was smart enough to take advantage of them, there is SO much more out there.

1. See and feel Niagara Falls
2. Grand Canyon
3. Stand at the Four Corners
4. Stand on the Equator both of them
5. Travel by any means possible (still haven't been on a helicopter, cruise, hot air balloon, segway, and anything else that has yet to been available to the public)
6. Pet a lion cub and hold a Panda Bear baby
7. Walk part of the Great Wall of China
8. Kayak in the Bio Luminous Water
9. Machu Pichu
10. Visit all 7 continents (still can't believe missed out on Africa when I had the chance)
11. See the Northern Lights
12. Redwood Forest
13. Live or travel solo for some time (gotta try it out) think I'll do this again, with Semester at Sea this time
14. Raise and love a family of my own
15. Continue looking for my passion
16. Continue learning otherwise I'd become stale in my thinking
17. Write a children's book that I can one day read to my children, nieces and nephews
18. Continue to make the decision to be happy
19. Ride on an elephant
20. See the Pyramids of Egypt and Mexico
21. Ride a camel
22. Hike in a rainforest
23. Visit Galapogs Island
24. Create my dream house

Do you still dream?

As I grow I find myself becoming distracted by life and worn down time. When I was younger I didn't understand why anyone would want to be a teenager again it was horrible. Emotions going bonkers, words spewing out my mouth without thought, insecurities like no other why anyone would want to relive that was beyond me. I've come to realize now why people want to go back there is this feeling of the unknown, that everything could be possible since you haven't tested the waters. More likely than not at this young age you still haven't experienced defeat or the feeling of carrying the world on your shoulders. You haven't realized how difficult things can become. Or how quickly things could become disastrous. As you become an actual adult you've come to realize how life can end in seconds and can change within a blink of an eye. You also realize things are much harder than previously imagined.

Before you know it you have career that requries more than 40 hours a week, you have a mortgage, bills, a family that needs your attention. With all that going on without realizing time has flown, by the time you take notice you wonder what happened. What happend to my dreams?my goals?my ideals? Did I do everything I set out to do? When did I get distracted?

Then I remember I can still dream. I can set new goals. Or I could throw that all out the window and just live and see where that takes me. As long as I made the choice to do so I don't think I will regret it.