If I died today..

and had the fortune to meet our Lord I do belive he'd find me lacking.  While other people may be certain that they will be in heaven I am fairly certain I won't.  Not for the reason that I'm wicked in the sense that I am sinful in human eyes.  The reasons I belive I won't cross those pearly gates is because up to now I've found myself incapable or unwilling of forgiving wrongs done against me.  I still remember when the prayer Our Father was explianed to me and that middle part struck fear in me.  In case you don't know it here is how I remember it:

Our Father who are in heaven, hollow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us for our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.  Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. Amen.

This is one prayer that I haven't forgotten.  It makes me wonder how can God forgive my trespasses against him when I won't forgive the trespasses against me.  I know He can forgive me, but why should He when I won't.  There's more, but that will be another time.

2011

I've spent the last few years distracting myself from myself with new adventures.  While they were sometimes fun, they sure were memorable, but I"m coming to the realization that one of my motivators was to keep busy so I wouldn't have to reflect or face my issues.  While I don't regret not one of my adventures I'm realizing I'm holding myself back from moving forward with my life.  It's time, it's beyond past time to deal with my past, with my bitterness.  I've let this keep me closed off from the world and my faith, that way I'd be safe from pain.  This year I'm going to be brave and deal with it by writing, I'm sure there will be crying/sobbing, but I sure as hell want to avoid depression.  I'm hoping that by doing this I'll be able to let go of the weight I carry, that I'll be able to open up if only slightly at first.  Terrified, but doing it anyway.

Where did I go?

I used to be a girl with goals and ambition.  I had hunger for accomplishment and didn't let things trip me up. Big things could get me down, but I'd come back up fighting.  I wasn't afraid, I was sure of what I wanted and everyone else could go jump themselves.  That was my attitutued if you didn't like me feel free to screw yourself, cuz I don't give a damn.  I was full of anger at the world in general.  I thought people can't do anything right or good, just look at history hell just look at the news happening here and now.  I'd be intrested to see what people picture of this person I've forgotten about until recently.

Now fear rules me.  I won't try new things because I might get hurt.  I won't go to some places because something might happen.  Hell I haven't gotten a haircut because I might look worse than I do now. Do you get where this is going?  I've forgetten about goals or ambition and therefore I haven't done anything major in my life in the last few years.  Life is simple at the moment work, spend money on who knows what I have none and nothing to show for it, clean, eat, and when possible spend time with friends and family.  It's been this routine for the better part of the last couple of years.  It will continue to be the same routine if I stay the way I am.  The reason being that I fear something might happen if I change this routine.  What could happen if I change things up?

If I try to be financially independent, I might find out that I'm not acutally able to do so like I thought I could. 
If I try to be independent I might find out that I don't know much and start crying because life is about to hit me a curve ball.
If I try to be independent I might find out that I am lonely and change my mind about needing my own family.

I think all that instead of being positive and thinking I'll have my own place that I can do anything I want with,  I can be independent.  So I might not know everything, but I can handle it.  That family I don't have you know what I don't need it, but I still want it sometime down the line.  So for the moment this is who've I've become someone who fears what might happen.