Where did I go?

I used to be a girl with goals and ambition.  I had hunger for accomplishment and didn't let things trip me up. Big things could get me down, but I'd come back up fighting.  I wasn't afraid, I was sure of what I wanted and everyone else could go jump themselves.  That was my attitutued if you didn't like me feel free to screw yourself, cuz I don't give a damn.  I was full of anger at the world in general.  I thought people can't do anything right or good, just look at history hell just look at the news happening here and now.  I'd be intrested to see what people picture of this person I've forgotten about until recently.

Now fear rules me.  I won't try new things because I might get hurt.  I won't go to some places because something might happen.  Hell I haven't gotten a haircut because I might look worse than I do now. Do you get where this is going?  I've forgetten about goals or ambition and therefore I haven't done anything major in my life in the last few years.  Life is simple at the moment work, spend money on who knows what I have none and nothing to show for it, clean, eat, and when possible spend time with friends and family.  It's been this routine for the better part of the last couple of years.  It will continue to be the same routine if I stay the way I am.  The reason being that I fear something might happen if I change this routine.  What could happen if I change things up?

If I try to be financially independent, I might find out that I'm not acutally able to do so like I thought I could. 
If I try to be independent I might find out that I don't know much and start crying because life is about to hit me a curve ball.
If I try to be independent I might find out that I am lonely and change my mind about needing my own family.

I think all that instead of being positive and thinking I'll have my own place that I can do anything I want with,  I can be independent.  So I might not know everything, but I can handle it.  That family I don't have you know what I don't need it, but I still want it sometime down the line.  So for the moment this is who've I've become someone who fears what might happen. 

My first year

My first year on the job was an experience I wouldn't repeat.  I just wouldn't.  It was a good thing I truly didn't understand what I was getting myself into, otherwise I probably wouldn't have started down this path I'm now on. 

I was way over my head in every aspect and yet I came through the other side.  I was starting a program from scratch with the little knowledge of it coming from a chapter I read in college and a small paragraph I got from my boss of a brief outline of what the program would look like.  I had little to no guidance through out the year.  It surprised me that any progress was made.  I stayed hours after everyone went home to just avoid complete drowning, I was in no way getting ahead.  It was this year that I learned that if I ever hoped to get ahead or at least on the ball I needed to become organized which when I started the year was not a skill I had.  I also learned that I had to learn from my mistakes if I had any hope from improving and there were many, so I learned a lot.  I didn't and still don't know if other jobs were like this.  This was my first serious job and when I agreed  I knew the first year would be hard so I promised myself to give it three years before I made the decision of continuing on or moving on.  Wouldn't you know after my third year I didn't return.

What I do is intense, it's never boring.  No two days are the same.  It's always changing, just as you getting the hang of something it's replaced with something new and better (supposedly).  You get critiqued constantly.  What I do is never good enough, because if I've met a goal the bar is raised.  I'm on a time crunch.  You have things thrown at you, I'm talking actual things.  There are 20 things at least going on at once and that's on a easy day.  You handel various emotions all at once, all day long.  You must be flexible, because the day changes and you've got to roll with it.  You have to be consistent, comforting, strict, confident, demanding, sociable, etc.  I'm all those things or can fake fairly well, but at the end of the day I'm exhausted. 

Choices

A woman chooses to be beaten.  I was told this by my father when I was a teenager and we had many discussion over this topic.  At the time I didin't know what had brought this up but years later I found out someone we loved had an abusive boyfriend.  The adults in my family had tried to save this young woman by taking her out of the situation, but she went back to him a year later.  Which is why he had decided a woman chooses to be beaten.  I was very firm in my standing that it's all a man's fault.  He is doing a dispicable thing and brainwashing the woman into staying by his side, to which my father conseeded it's a possiblity.  Or the woman was in a though situation of either stay and be beaten or end up on the streets of which she probably chose what she thought was the lesser of two evils. 
Now I'm in the position of knowing someone I love is in a abusive situation.  While she is currently seperated from her boyfriend, they have an off again on again realtionship.  I've just recently found out though that he abuses her.  I knew and she knows that the realtionship wasn't a good one, but I didn't know that he hit her.  I just thought they cheated on each other of which I saw as horrible and I asked why the hell are you they together if this keeps going on, but they stated they love each other.  Which I left alone seeing that they were messed up, but whatever they knew what they were doing.  I felt bad for their daughter who would see her father move in and out, but I thought him a good father because he made sure to spend every other weekend with her when they weren't together. 
Now I understand why my father says a woman chooses to be beaten.  This person I love and now weep for has taken back her boyfriend time and time again.  Even though she knows he's an asshole, hell she herself will tell you what a bastard he is, she takes him back.  She tells me its' because I've never loved, but to me that isn't love.  Love doesn't permit you to deemen yourself.  Infact as I see it a man should treasure the woman he loves as should a woman treasure the man in her life.  But the women in my life keep showing me that my thinking is off. 

Accomplished

I didn't make a New Year's Resolution for 2009 and you know what I didn't need it. I would say my life is very blessed, as I look at photographs from time passed there are so many good times had. In this year that was flown by I've had many first. I went traveling with a friend for the first time. I made a conscious decision to meet new people, even though I hate doing that. I went skiing, horseback riding, white water rafted, tried a new way of showing faith, went to parties where I knew almost no one, I faced many fears, all of that for the very first time. Not all of it was pleasent, but I'm happy that I tried it out.



While I've gone back to an old routine in some aspects I've gone back with a different perspective and that changed it all. I'm amazed at how much changed when I decided to be happy. Much of my anger and resentment went away and hasn't been back in a while. I'm busy a lot because I'm spending time with people I enjoy. Nothing else changed except that one little decision and that affected every aspect of my life. I'm not richer, but I appreciate what I earn (not that I would sneeze at a better offer). I don't have more firends, but somehow I became more comfortable being around people I don't know. It's still akward sometimes, but it's a vast improvment from always. My work load hasn't lessend, but I'm glad to have it even if sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. I tell myself that the more I have to do the less likely I am to be without of a job. I was amazed when someone I know and respect told me she wished she had my life. I laughed because I wish I had hers. While somethings have changed I don't think that ever will: The grass will continue to be greener on the other side.

One of many..

of my challenges. So I've already stated I have a hard time meeting people, but I'm working on it. Now I can at least make awkward conversation and sometimes even an enjoyable one. Now transfer that to when my lovely friends set me up with dates, without my permission I might add. There is something the word date does to me that I find utterly frustrating. I litterly freeze up if someone tells me this is a date. My side of any conversation with a date is uh, mm, that's nice, yea, no, and it's pretty much just that. I know it doesn't make it conducive to an enjoyable time or a time anyone would want to repeat. To make matters worse I avoid eye contact big time. One more thing to put the cherry on top is I tense up anytime the so called date tries to have any sort of physical contact that goes beyond a hand shake. From that you would gather that this person that doesn't make an effort at conversation, won't look at you, and apperantly doesn't want to be touched by you is utterly inept at socializing. Which by the way is true, the thing is I don't know what to do about it. It takes me months to years to warm up to a person. A date gives you one chance to make an impression mine just happens to be a very bad one.

Grief

Grief - a multi-faceted response to the loss of someone or something you have formed a bond to.

I don't ever seem to react in the appropriate manner as is expected of being informed that someone has passed on. It may be for the fact that I take it in stride at the moment I'm told. While others wail out loud or in silence as an almost immediate reaction, I go on in my usual routine. It's not till later usually when I've had time to slow down that the grief comes to the forefront. Suddenly I'll start sobbing for what appears to be no apparent reason, but it's then that it hits me, that one person which I had a bond with is gone. I can't enjoy their presence any longer other than in my memories which I savor with melancholy.

There is one less member of my family and I'm just now realzing that I can't say any last words. I can't hug or kiss anymore. I can't laugh or play with. I can't debate with about whaterver or just enjoy the presence of that one person. There is an emptiness, void, absence left. Now I'm just trying to deal with it.

Do you exist or are you living?

I asked myself that question in 2007. When I was a a total workaholic who had no life outside of work. It hit me when I took a weekend to do something besides work and literally had no idea who I could contact or where to go. It's then that you ask yourself what the hell are you doing? It's one thing to be successful and another to be happy, who knew they weren't one and the same.

I'm trying my hardest to get beyond just existing to living. To being present in the moment instead of always planing for the future that might never be. For the reason that it is so easy to just exist and not realize that there is more. Ever since then my focus has been on building relationships with people I like. Relationships not being my strong suit, it's been hard work harder than paid work. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, I've learned that it's not possible to like a person ALL the time. There will be disagreements, disappointments, wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong people, secrets that are unfortunately not kept (that would be me by the way). The hard part will be to keep the relationship going on if it's a good one.

Fighting It

I have this urge to just quit, to just lay down and cry. It's all I want to do, but I'm fighting it for the reason that I'm afraid. I've been here before hell I'm in this emotional place frequently. It isn't consistent sometimes I can go months without feeling it and other times just a few short weeks before it hits again. Most people call IT depression. The only way I can describe it as a black hole. Energy, emotions, desires, and dreams are just sucked in and your left with nothing. I don't want to reach the point where I don't even ..... I just don't want to go there. So I fight the the urge to cry I feel like if I give in it's just a short slippery slope till I'm left with nothing once more. It is so hard to come back from that, I still struggle with it daily. Which is why I've decided to go to the beach soon, it calms and sooths. Just watching wave after wave come in puts my mind at ease and gives me the opportunity to climb back up without struggling so much.

Do you still dream?

As I grow I find myself becoming distracted by life and worn down time. When I was younger I didn't understand why anyone would want to be a teenager again it was horrible. Emotions going bonkers, words spewing out my mouth without thought, insecurities like no other why anyone would want to relive that was beyond me. I've come to realize now why people want to go back there is this feeling of the unknown, that everything could be possible since you haven't tested the waters. More likely than not at this young age you still haven't experienced defeat or the feeling of carrying the world on your shoulders. You haven't realized how difficult things can become. Or how quickly things could become disastrous. As you become an actual adult you've come to realize how life can end in seconds and can change within a blink of an eye. You also realize things are much harder than previously imagined.

Before you know it you have career that requries more than 40 hours a week, you have a mortgage, bills, a family that needs your attention. With all that going on without realizing time has flown, by the time you take notice you wonder what happened. What happend to my dreams?my goals?my ideals? Did I do everything I set out to do? When did I get distracted?

Then I remember I can still dream. I can set new goals. Or I could throw that all out the window and just live and see where that takes me. As long as I made the choice to do so I don't think I will regret it.